wellllll..i actually did physically cry through song today. it all happened so unexpectedly. this is what went down. i had just parked outside my aunt’s house to have dinner when my fav song at the moment came on the radio (it was “let it go” by james bay). so i checked my watch and saw that i was early and was like dude why not. i checked to see that my windows were rolled up, i pumped up the volume, and i just start singing with all my heart along with the song in my car. and i’ve sung before of course but this time i felt like i was CRYING through my voice. it was so expressive and powerful. and the more i thought about how powerful that feeling was, the more i started becoming completely overwhelmed with emotion and the only way i knew to express it was through crying while singing at that moment. so as tears were rolling down my face, i never stopped singing. it was this incredibly vulnerable moment of self-discovery like wow, singing is for sure one of my callings. and i wanted to test how far i could go. if i could maintain the tune while crying, and i could. it was no problem. no sweat.
and dude. i’m a boss at singing. gimme a mic, and i’ll have you in tears.. i swear. cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.
so i’m always looking for the takeaway from life moments like this. and now i’m like I GET IT I GET IT. i just need a muse who is a fierce source of my passion, so that whenever i sing, i can channel that sadness upon thinking of my muse…as if i didn’t have enough sadness and trauma in my life. but hey, i’ll sing it out for as long as you want me to. one day, i won’t have to sing alone to myself in my car. one day, i’ll be able to sing out the pain no matter who’s watching. no matter if it’s a sold out show at the oracle arena or if it’s halftime at the superbowl. serious.
that’s your plan for me, isn’t it? you’ve heard me sing. you know. is that your plan for me? tell me what your plan for me is, and i’ll do it to no end. i’d rather you stop leaving me this trail of little breadcrumbs to your love. i appreciate it and all, but the more i discover, the more i realize all that you know, and the more i realize how far behind i am on this journey of life. but at the same time, it makes me realize how much more i am capable of.
please keep testing and teaching me, God.