a question my therapist asked me a while ago

romance 2“what’s your type?  what are you looking for in someone to date?”

upon hearing these words, i was caught off guard.  i didn’t really know the answer, and i couldn’t help but panic even tho i had been asked the question before and should have given it more thought.  i anxiously scrambled to think of a few characteristics that i thought people i used to be interested in had.  i have to admit, i came up with some really stupid answers.  but i think i’m getting better at knowing what i want.

romancei need someone that doesn’t treat love like a transaction.  it can’t be robotic, technical, or quantitative.  it has to be an instinct.  it has to be true.  it has to be daring and spontaneous.  it has to be something i’m afraid to lose.  it has to change me inside and out.  too much to ask?  maybe… but you have to keep your standards high if you wanna hold strong to your dignity, integrity, and pride.  upon reflection, i might have too much of those three items though.

also, most of the time i feel like i don’t have time for stuff like this, nor do others, so why bother.  one thing you should know about me is that  i’m really busy 90% of the time.  lots of activities and commitments to balance.  i’m basically in constant go-mode, so i don’t know if i’m supposed to be carving out time for my selfish desires.  at the same time, maybe life would be easier with someone to listen to the extreme ups and downs in my life.  it would be difficult, but maybe it would be worth it.  i just wanna help others, so if allowing someone to help me will allow me to help others more then so be it.  too bad i’m too darn stubborn.

romance 3people are always telling me to keep my options open and that there are plenty fish in the sea.  and with this quarter at de anza college developing, i’m definitely realizing that.  i’m more of a one-person person tho, know what i mean?  it’d be cool to have a new inspiration to write, compose, sing, dance, and cook tho, wouldn’t it?  i wish i were better at speaking up about the things i want.  it’s so hard to work on that when you’re working off of really low self-esteem.  i also just wanna go travel, and i’ve got all these other plans i want for the near future..actually not really, but those are all thoughts to factor in..but that’s being robotic, technical, and quantitative, which is what i said was not what love is.  i’m contradicting myself already..forget this.   i’m dropping the subject, and we’ll see it if it arises later.  i’ll keep you posted, folks.

conflicting internally as per usual,

Cordy

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