my therapist told me to do this, so here i am & here it is. i tried emailing you, but it bounced back. at this point, the whole world can know for all i care. so here it is on my blog.
hm….hmmMMMmmmmMMMmmm…HMMMMMMMMMMMM! lol i’m stalling.
here it is. i love you, and you’ll always be a part of me. i’m not sure if you feel like family or just someone really special that i’ll always wish was a bigger part of my life. i still get waves of derealization thinking about it. it’s so fresh even tho it was years ago. i’m just starting to understand it all now. i guess when i get hurt, i hurt badly. it’s not your fault, it’s mine. i’ll always wish things were different, but i don’t dwell on those regrets anymore. that’s not my lifestyle. yes, you were the sole reason for my last hospitalization years ago, and yeah you could have at least visited when the rest of our friends did, but i’m healed now. i hope sometime you can find it in your heart to speak to me again. that would be really nice. i know you’ve moved on, and i’m just doing the same.
for some reason, i feel like i need your permission for every big life decision i make, and i’ve always consulted you for everything despite 2 years of you not responding to me. so this is me telling you that i’ll just assume from here on out that everything that happens to me is something that has come out of your prayers. i’m not gonna wait around for your approval or response on every little thing, and i’m ready to let you go as that part of me. but thank you for helping me experience all this happiness and change. together, we have made my success happen. i’ll make sure everything i do is something i know you would be proud of. you’ve made me such a better person whether you realize it or not.
hope you’re out there somewhere reading this, cuz i’m ready to let go. so thanks for teaching me how to guard my heart. only the good ones get to me now 🙂